Dear Mr Rabbit,
I represent the law firm Sue, Grabbit and Runne, and am writing at the direction of our client Miss Kirstie Allsopp in response to a number of groundless allegations made against her person in an article entitled "Hobbies of the Rich and Famous."
1. Miss Allsopp does not, and never will whilst it remains illegal, indulge in the craven act of greasing her - or any other person's - weasel.
2. She strongly refutes the allegation that she has ever been a) lightly oiled and b) an estate agent.
3. Miss Allsopp takes issue with a number of statements presented in your article as fact. Namely: that the word "cockbadger" forms part of her vocabulary and that her best friend is a "twelve inch monster Kong vibrator with variable speed control and interchangable heads."
All of these allegations - either singly or collectively are of little import to our client. However, she has instructed me to "sue your arse off", to use the correct legal terminology, over the final and most damaging libel, the insinuation that the luscious, pouting Miss Allsopp has "Bingo Wings".
Note that we will be seeking enormous punative damages, whilst I shall also be seeking photographs of Miss Allsopp in a wet t-shirt and thigh-length boots.
Robber Rabbit says:
Fuck off. She's mine - I saw her first.