Hobbies of the rich and famous
No.2: Wanking into hats: Secret Agent James Bond answers your questions.
Greetings to red hot hat action fans everywhere! My name is Bond, James Bond - secret agent, international playboy and holder of the coveted double-o prefix, here to answer any questions you may have on the much-maligned pastime of wanking into hats. But did you know that status as 007 is not just an excuse to go round shooting bad guys and saving the world? Oh no! I'm also licenced to kill kittens, and the ninja skill of wanking into hats is invaluable in a high-pressure profession such as mine.
Who knows when you'll need a quick one off the wrist? You could be on the verge of destroying a secret underwater base that's going to unleash killer bees on an unsuspecting population, but you won't get the job done with bollocks like beach balls. My advice at a time like this is to cut the throat of the nearest hapless henchman, swipe his hat and knock one out into the smooth, warm lining crying out "Moneypenny! Moneypenny! Moneypenny, rub them harder!" under your breath. Then, with your man-fat happily crystallising in the discarded chapeau, you're free to save the world.
"Is this legal?" Absolutely, it's in the Geneva Convention, or something. I am, however, banned from Royal Ascot for ever.
"What about the dangers?" Naturally, there's nothing more embarrassing about getting yourself caught whilst enjoying a quick hand shandy, especially by heavily-armed goons who have not been introduced to the secret art of hat wanking. Kill them, I say and finish the job. There's nothing more satisfying for an agent in the field to shut their eyes and imagine M's firm hand guiding him to explosive millinary climax.
"What kind of hat is best?" I'm a 'live and let live' sort of guy (really!), and find any headgear is suitable for masturbatory delight. However, I do find that a naval officer's cap really gets me going, and I am the proud owner of a tricorn once worn by Admiral Nelson (slightly soiled).
"I'm a girl, what do you suggest?" If you consider yourself utterly wank-hattable, then myself, 008 and a couple of Victorian toppers in a ski chalet. Next question.
"What about socks?" You pervert.
"You're nicked Sonny Jim, would you mind stepping into the van?" I say, Officer, that's a nice helmet you're wearing.
Bonus Footage from the latest Bond epic "The Spy who wanked into my hat"
SCENE: MOUNTAINSIDE, SMALL AIR POCKET UNDER AVALANCHE CAUSED BY THE FINAL, FATAL EXPLOSION THAT HAS DESTROYED SPECTRE'S ALPINE LAIR. BOND AND NORMA SNOCKERS ARE TRAPPED, THEIR BODIES PRESSED TIGHTLY TOGETHER.
Bond: Your hat! Give me your hat!
Snockers: You have a plan?
Bond: Not exactly
FX: (Sound of manual egg-beater whisking furiously) Fapfapfapfapfapfap!
Snockers: My hero!
SCENE: MI6 HEADQUARTERS, A DARKENED CONTROL ROOM. M, Q, THE PRIME MINISTER AND SEVERAL TECHNICIANS ARE LOOKING AT A SCREEN WHICH IS COVERED IN STATIC
Q: Just getting a signal now, M.
THE PICTURE CLEARS. BOND CAN BE SEEN WANKING INTO A HAT. HE IS JUST IN THE VINEGAR STROKES, HIS FACE A GRIMACE OF ORGASMIC DELIGHT.
M (shocked): 0 0 7!
Prime Minister (confused): What's this? What's going on?
Q (matter-of-factly): He appears to be having a quick one off the wrist, Prime Minister.
PAN ONTO SCREEN, BOND WINKS AT CAMERA
Bonus bonus footage - Bond gets his girl
M has sent me to "protect" TV superstar Judy Finnegan from the forces of SMERSH - Smert Spionem
- Death to Spies!
She'd be lying, comatose and semi-naked, in her dressing room, several empty gin bottles scattered about, betraying the cause of her lack of consciousness.
I slip through the door, unnoticed by husband Richard, who is away meddling with the production assistant's pert little buttocks; and there, on the table is the object of my desires: the hat.
Oh hat! Hat! Glorious hat! It is plain, unspectacular, but obviously the headwear of Britain's best known buxom tv presenting drunkard. In a trice, I dump my load into the warm lining, but to my disgust, I think of Fern Brittan at the last minute.
Judy comes to, slurs something about "bloody Richard and his hair gel" and bowks rich, brown vomit all over the floor.
I am in rapture.
Things not to say during "The Passion of The Christ"
Sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" during the crucifixion scene
"It's only a flesh wound!"
"The People's Front of Judea? Splitters!"
"Hey! I can see my house from here."
"I know this story! The main character dies, right?"
"You know what this movie needs? A car chase! And maybe a bomb on a bus."
"Hate to burst your bubble guys, but that guy's not dark enough to be Jesus."
"Is the the scene where Jesus and Mary Magdelene get it on?"
"What are they saying? Why the hell can't they speak American?"
"Weren't there tanks last time I saw this? And a lot more singing?"
Bad Joke Warning
A guy with an orange for a head goes in to see a doctor.
The doctor says, "How did you get an orange for a head?"
The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, 'I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, 'I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went 'Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.
"Then he said, 'What is your second wish?' I said, 'I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went 'Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me.
"Then the genie said, 'And what is your third wish?'...I said, 'I'd like an orange for a head.'"
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"