B3ta question of the week: Lies our parents told us

Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth...

My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked "Daddy, what's that?"

"That, son, is a chewing gum machine."

"Can I have some then? They've got fruit flavoured."

"Err... I haven't got any money."

All well and good, but he now asks me the same question wherever we go, and I am obliged to pretend that I am broke. God knows what he thinks the "Novelty" flavour are.

I once cracked the "Two quid a packet, but *what* bubbles" gag to him, just as a test, and he didn't have a clue what I was on about, which, I suppose, was fortunate.

Downfall, naturally, in front of a large audience in the Gents' in Tesco. The little bugger.

I also convinced him, on Children in Need night, that we don't have to donate any money because "we've already done our bit."

"How's that then."

"We gave fifty quid to the children's home to get you."

The threat to send him back always works in those sticky parental moments. Maybe we should come clean sooner or later. He thinks "Oliver" is a documentary.

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