Hobbies of the rich and famous
No.6: Taking a clandestine dump in shoe shops : Time-traveller Tom Baker answers your questions.
Greetings, humans! It is I, The Doctor, otherwise known by my earthly moniker Tom Baker. Many people ask me what I'm up to these days now that my career gallavanting around the cosmos is over. The answer to this, my friend, is simple - myself and my electronic companion K-9 like nothing more than browsing through High Street shoe shops and nipping off a length into a Hugh Puppy before anyone notices. Hours of harmless fun, unless you happen to try on said shoe, and then your day is more or less spoiled, wouldn't you say?
Q: Why, in the name of God and all that is holy, why?
A: Tis a question a mere mummer such as I often ask myself, but let us make it perfectly clear when I tell you that a well-timed dump in a pair of fluffy carpet slippers is the ideal deterrent to a cyberman invasion. Not a single cyberman has ever tried to invade this planet via a dhoe shop where I've taken a shit. QED.
Q: Any tips for a beginner such as myself?
A: Why of course ! Tis a fine and noble hobby, and I welcome you with open arms. One hint for you - just make sure you take your own paper. There's nothing more embarrassing than making your escape with a trail of clag and winnetts leading straight to the front door of your TARDIS. Wipe well, my friend, and the universe is your oyster.
Q: I habitually do a number one ans well as a number two. Help!
A: Good God, keep your sonic screwdriver under ontrol, you deviant. Never underestimate, however, the uses of a fine pair of wellie boots.
Q: Ever been caught?
A: Oh yes, that's half the fun of it - you'd never have thought that my arch-enemies the Daleks owned Clarks, but it's obvious when you put your mind to it. All those Daleks going around on castors - small wonder that Davros is going to have crates of spare shoes kicking about. Far too tempting for a renegade Timelord such as I.
Q: Any "jobs" you're particularly proud of?
A: Ha ha!!! I see the joke you made there. But yes - a mammoth strain from the top floor of a gentleman's outfitters on the Planet Nimnod IV straight into a pair of hand-made boots just as my arch-nemesis The Master tried them on. Romana pissed herself laughing, coincidentally, just at the moment he looked up. She's got a tremendous aim on her, that girl.
Q: Ever shat in a hat?
A: Fuck off.