Hobbies of the rich and famous
No.3: Profanity in public: Royal totty Camilla Parker-Bowles
answers your questions.
Greetings, loyal subjects! I will never forget the first time I was formally introduced to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother. It was on the polo lawn at Windsor Great Park, and Princess Margaret, the Duke of Kent and the French Ambassador were all in attendance as the Prince of Wales engaged in a chukka of his favourite sport.
"Totally charmed to meet you," said the late Queen Mother.
" I replied at the top of my voice, "totally charmed to meet you, too, your majesty." I knew from that moment my life would never be the same again. Cocktail parties, receptions, even popping down to Safeways for twenty Woodbines and a tube of KY Jelly could only satisfy me if I let out a lung-blistering volley of CUNT! at an inopportune moment. A wonderful release from that starchy formality and I thoroughly recommend it.
Q: I've heard that the C-word is still taboo. How can a woman of your breeding justify these public outbursts?
A: The First Amendment. As a bona fide citizen of the 53rd state, my arse is well and truly covered. As I reminded President Bush at a recent satate banquet: 'How utterly charming to have a genuine Texan CUNT!
rancher at the Palace!' and no-one batted an eye-lid.
Q: What an interesting hobby! Should I be starting with something tamer, or go straight for the hard stuff?
A: Shouting pre-school profanities like "bogies" is for kids' TV presenters. Pick the foulest word you know and stick with it. I still get free drinks on the back of the resounding CUNT! at the cenotaph a couple of years ago. Nobody's using "FELCH!" these days since the Duchess of Argyle passed away. Good obscenties are so hard to come by these days.
Q: Have you been tempted to branch out in any way?
A: I once dallied with "Wank on my tits!" during a school prize-giving, but the poor dears do tend to take things like that rather too literally. Not a great success.
Q: I once heard Tony Blair shouting "CUNT!" during Prime Minister's questions. Are you planning to sue?
A: That's Blair's problem - not an original idea in his head. The cunt.
Q: One day, you may be Queen, and God help us all if that happens. Have you any plans to give up your little pecadillo?
A: Certainly not! Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands' "KUTWIJF!" is the talk of the Ambassadors' Balls. We have already ordered top government scientists and researchers to find an even stronger swear word, one fit for a monarch and absolute dictator. And I think we have found it.
A: "TWADGE!" It needs a bit of work, mind you.
Next week: Former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis on whopping them out in public.