Hobbies of the rich and famous
No.4: Whopping your norks out in public: Former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis answers your questions.
Hello there! As a former Blue Peter presenter and celebrity mother, people are always asking me "Janet, how do you find time in your busy schedule to whop your norks out in public?" It's simple. Whopping them out in public takes up rather less time that you think, and is a fulfilling, harmless and satisfying hobby, not to mention one hundred per cent legal!
Q: Can anyone whop their norks out in public?
A: Of course, but it does help if you've got norks to start with. Celebrity ironing board Tara Palmer-Tompkinson can forget it for a start, as can most of the male population. However, extremely fat blokes with frightening man-breasts have a certain shock value. My advice to them: is keep them covered up - leave this to the highly trained professionals!
Q: Is there an approved whopping-out technique?
A: It's more-or-less up to the individual, I prefer baggy jumpers for a quick-and-easy lift. Others prefer jackets and coats of an old-style flash. Each to his or her own. Sponsor's messages are a big no-no. It's norks or nothing in my book.
Q: What about timing?
A: As I always say, it's always a good time to whop them out in public, but you have to be prepared to take the fall-out as it were. I remember when I opened a fete at my daughter Sophie's school. I had the local mayor, vicar and the town crier up there - I gave 'em what they wanted and got out. Sophie didn't talk to me for six months, however.
Q: You make it sound like a lonely, individual pursuit. Is it?
A: Good gracious no! Some of my best whop-outs have been in teams of two, three or more. The best one I took part in was on The Mall during her Majesty the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations. Myself, Valerie Singleton, Brian Blessed and the lovely Konnie Huq. Haven't had so much fun in years.
Q: Any advice for up-and-coming whoppers?
A: Practice, practice and more practice. Timing is everything, but don't forget correct nipple technique, or it'll all go pear-shaped. Look at Jordan - a disgrace to the profession. I'm impressed by the young Kirstie Allsopp, she's going to big a big star in this Olympic year.
Q: Any chance of a...
A: You filthy bastard!
Next Week: Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams chats to us on the ethics of sticking your todger in a warm cup of tea.