Hobbies of the rich and famous
No.5: Sticking your todger in a warm cup of tea: Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams answers your questions
Bless you, my children. People are always asking me: "Archbishop, is it sinful to stick your todger in a warm cup of tea?", and I'd like to take some time to address this valid concern that blights ordinary citizens' everyday lives. Let me say straight from the start, that it is your God-given right to whip out your Old Man and poke it into a cup of Earl Grey, for indeed it is written in the Gospel according to St Lenny, Chapter one, verses six to nine:
"And yay, our Father did verily have Mary Magdelene and Judas Iscariot round for tea before they went to the stoning. And they did feast on cakes, biscuits, choccy bars, double egg and chips and a nice fruit pie that Mary Magdelene did baketh herself. And when Judas nipped out to go to the bog, our Father did winketh mischieviously at Mary Magdelene, and stuck his todger in Judas' cup of tea and stirreth it vigourously. When Judas returneth from the shitter, he knoweth not what came to pass with his tea, and he knocketh it back in one gulp. And our Lord and Mary Magdelene did laugh with great mirth while Jesus tried not to stare at her norks."
Q: Do you have any tips for tea-making?
A: Follow John the Baptist's example and alway draw fresh water for your kettle and warm the pot before use. If you prefer milk, only Satan and Catholics put it in second. Milk in first, or an eternity in the burning fires of hell awaits ye sinner! In the Church of England, deep theological discussion has ended in a preference for leman, but do ensure that you remove the pips first, as they're a bastard to get out if one gets stuck in your bell-end.
Q: What if the tea's cold?
A: In this case, use of the microwave oven is acceptable before a successful todger insertion. For food safety reasons, please ensure that the tea is piping hot before drinking it. Beware, however, of scalding your old man, as microwaves tend to heat unevenly. As a rule of thumb, if you are rolling around on the floor screaming in agony, it would be advisable to get your housekeeper to dial for an ambulance.
Q: I prefer coffee...
A: Then prepare to burn, heretic. Did not the Book of Exodus say "And Moses came down from the mountain and seeing the people worshipping false idols and sticking their todgers into Nescafe Instant; did he show his great wrath and struck them with mighty blows to their private parts. Which pleased the Lord immensely."
Q: Is todger dipping acceptable in public?
A: Why of course! Many's the tea stall I've run at parish jumble sales where satisfied customers have gone away in the full knowledge that their tea has been "blessed" by the Archbishop's wang. I do, however, ensure that I am well shaven to avoid that unfortunate pubic hair incident with Cherie Blair. "Topping up" the cup is stretching the bounds of acceptability - no wonder she's always making that face.
Q: Isn't todger dipping difficult with those long robes?
A: It was at first, but after I had accepted my calling, I sent them away to have a specail flap sewn in. Now I can dip my cock in an elderly parishoner's cuppa with her even knowing it. My special "brown dough" flapjacks go down well in such circumstances.
Q: More tea vicar?
A: Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Q: One wang or two?
A: I'm not drinking that, you filthy bastard.
Next week, time-traveller Tom Baker talks to us about taking a dump in shoe shops.