The Sketch that Little Britain didn't want. Punks.

SCENE: RUBBISH TRANSVESTITE EMILY HOWARD'S DRAWING ROOM, INTERIOR, DAY. IT IS DECORATED PRETTY MUCH AS YOU'D EXPECT, ALL PINK FRILLS AND BOWS. ENTER EMILY, "SHE" IS STILL CARRYING "HER" DAINTY UMBRELLA INDOORS. SHE SITS IN A COMPLETELY OVERDONE CHAIR NEXT TO A TWEE TELEPHONE TABLE. THE TELEPHONE IS ONE OF THOSE OLDE WORLDE ONES YOU GET AT ARGOS. SHE DIALS A NUMBER.

EMILY
Hello? Is that Emerald Car Insurance, the car insurance company for ladies? I'm a lady and I wish to insure my ladies' car.

SPLIT SCREEN - EMILY ON THE LEFT, THE RIGHT HAND SIDE IS A CALL CENTRE, WITH HARRASSED CALL CENTRE OPERATOR (FEMALE) WEARING A HEADSET.

OPERATOR
I'm sorry sir, Emerald car insurance only sells its products to women.

EMILY
But I AM a lady! I'm a real, live lady with ladies' front bottom parts, and I wish to insure my ladies' car.

OPERATOR
No sir, I can tell - you're a man and the seventh I've had this morning. We only sell our products to women.

EMILY (flustered)
Are you insinuating that I am something that I am not? Everybody who knows me can prove that I am a genuine, convincing lady, and not some sad little man who chooses to by his clothing from a very understanding charity shop on the outskirts of the town centre, just round the corner from Kwik Save.

OPERATOR (annoyed)
Look, sir, I'll have to get my supervisor to speak to you. Hold the line for a minute.

OPERATOR CAN BE SEEN PUTTING EMILY ON HOLD - YOU CAN POSSIBLY HEAR "GREENSLEEVES" BEING PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND ON THE STYLOPHONE, AS EMILY ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN LOOKS AT HER NAILS AND FIDGETS. OPERATOR DIALS A NUMBER ON HER KEYPAD.

OPERATOR
Hi, Marilyn-Jade? It's Debbie on desk twelve. I've got another bloke here. Yeah... Yeah... Claims he's a "lady". Yeah.... Right... You'll speak to him? Great... Thanks.

OPERATOR PRESSES A KEY, MUSIC STOPS AS SHE SPEAKS TO EMILY

OPERATOR
Hello, sir?

EMILY
That's madam.

OPERATOR (exasperated)
My supervior will speak to you now.

OPERATOR PRESSES ANOTHER KEY AS EMILY IS PUT THROUGH. CUT TO (RIGHT HAND OF SCREEN ONLY) SUPERVISOR'S DESK IN THE SAME CALL CENTRE. THE SUPERVISOR IS ANOTHER RUBBISH TRANSVESTITE, WEARING ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, THE SAME OUTFIT AS EMILY. "SHE" ALSO HAS A DAINTY UMBRELLA, AND IS SPORTING A FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.

SUPERVISOR
Hello, madam? I understand you wish to insure your ladies' car with us.

EMILY
At last! yes, I AM a lady with all the requisite ladies' parts and I wish to insure my ladies' car with your company at the special low ladies' rate you advertise.

SUPERVISOR
That shouldn't be a problem, madam. Tell us about your lovely ladies' car and we'll get started.

EMILY (bloke voice)
It's a VW Golf, 2001, sixteen valve in racin' green. Done a few of me own mods - petrol injection, turbo charge, full body kit...

SUPERVISOR (bloke voice)
Lahvley set o' wheels...

EMILY (back to girlie voice)
...in cerise pink.

SUPERVISOR (girlie voice)
How charming. Now, if you'd give us your name and address so we can send you your free massager, we'll be able quote you orgasmic.

CUT TO EMILY, FULL-SCREEN, DREAMY SMILE ON HER FACE, CLUTCHING THE HANDSET WITH BOTH HANDS.

EMILY
My name? That's MS. E Howard. "E" for Emily, and certainly not Eric because I'm a lady...

[END]

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