Hobbies of the rich and famous
This week, TV's luscious, pouting celebrity estate agent Kirstie Allsopp answers your questions on society's last taboo - the foul act of greasing your weasel.
"Hi there! You may recognise me as the sensible no-nonsense co-host of Channel Four's "Location Location Location" and ...umm... "Relocation Relocation Relocation". If you need an incredibly over-dressed, bunny-boiling sloane ranger with terrifying bingo wings to help you move house, whilst keeping her virginity securely locked away in the vault of an exclusive Knightbridge bank, then I am your lady.
But you know, even we celebrity property consultants need down time too, and there's nothing more relaxing for a boarding school girl than to spend a couple of hours of an evening greasing her weasel in the privacy of her own Chelsea pied-a-terre.
Q: You don't mean...?
A: Oh yes! After a hard day's showing clients the potential of their properties, there's nothing better than slipping out of all sixteen layers of designer clothing and into my best weasel-greasing outfit.
Q: You filthy strumpet - what if the authorities find out?
A: I simply don't care. Weasel-greasing is perfectly harmless, and as long as you keep a firm grip on your greasing tools, it is entirely safe, and can actually add as much as ten thousand pounds to the value of your home.
Q: I was just getting to the tools of the trade. What batteries does it take?
A: Six "C" type. I prefer rechargables as they're better value for your outlay. Other hobbyists prefer a mains adaptor, but I find that this can actually make you far less mobile if you find yourself thrashing about on your living room carpet with a freshly-greased weasel.
Q: Enduring mental image there, Kirstie. But I hear it's not just weasels you specialise in.
A: Good grief no! Variety is the spice of life, as they say, and this girl isn't afraid of experimenting with otters, voles, stoats and even squirrels. It's amazing how satisfying a well-lubricated squirrel can be. I'm banned from Whipsnade Zoo, you know.
Q: Is weasel-greasing a solitary pursuit, or can more than one play?
A: Weasel-greasing, by its very nature, is usually carried out alone. Every now and then, I invite a lighly-oiled Sarah Beeny for tea and greasing, and we spend a highly satisfying evening of mutual otter lubrication. I can show you some photos if you like.
Q: And how about a quick peek at your beaver while we're at it, darlin'?
A: You filthy cockbadger.
