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Robber Rabbit : The Scaryduck Brain Dump

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Hobbies of the rich and famous

This week, TV's luscious, pouting celebrity estate agent Kirstie Allsopp answers your questions on society's last taboo - the foul act of greasing your weasel.

"Hi there! You may recognise me as the sensible no-nonsense co-host of Channel Four's "Location Location Location" and ...umm... "Relocation Relocation Relocation". If you need an incredibly over-dressed, bunny-boiling sloane ranger with terrifying bingo wings to help you move house, whilst keeping her virginity securely locked away in the vault of an exclusive Knightbridge bank, then I am your lady.

But you know, even we celebrity property consultants need down time too, and there's nothing more relaxing for a boarding school girl than to spend a couple of hours of an evening greasing her weasel in the privacy of her own Chelsea pied-a-terre.

Q: You don't mean...?
A: Oh yes! After a hard day's showing clients the potential of their properties, there's nothing better than slipping out of all sixteen layers of designer clothing and into my best weasel-greasing outfit.

Q: You filthy strumpet - what if the authorities find out?
A: I simply don't care. Weasel-greasing is perfectly harmless, and as long as you keep a firm grip on your greasing tools, it is entirely safe, and can actually add as much as ten thousand pounds to the value of your home.

Q: I was just getting to the tools of the trade. What batteries does it take?
A: Six "C" type. I prefer rechargables as they're better value for your outlay. Other hobbyists prefer a mains adaptor, but I find that this can actually make you far less mobile if you find yourself thrashing about on your living room carpet with a freshly-greased weasel.

Q: Enduring mental image there, Kirstie. But I hear it's not just weasels you specialise in.
A: Good grief no! Variety is the spice of life, as they say, and this girl isn't afraid of experimenting with otters, voles, stoats and even squirrels. It's amazing how satisfying a well-lubricated squirrel can be. I'm banned from Whipsnade Zoo, you know.

Q: Is weasel-greasing a solitary pursuit, or can more than one play?
A: Weasel-greasing, by its very nature, is usually carried out alone. Every now and then, I invite a lighly-oiled Sarah Beeny for tea and greasing, and we spend a highly satisfying evening of mutual otter lubrication. I can show you some photos if you like.

Q: And how about a quick peek at your beaver while we're at it, darlin'?
A: You filthy cockbadger.

posted by Alistair Coleman at 8:34 AM

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