Fan mail

Dear Miss Allsopp

I am your number one fan, and enjoy your work in "Location Location Location", "Relocation Relocation Relocation" and "Fornication Fornication Fornication".

Can I, if it's not too much trouble, have a signed photo of you to place in my specially-built shrine; and perhaps a lock of your hair so that I may clone dozens of Kirsties who can satisfy my every whim. And if it's not too much to ask, could you also send a pair of your knickers (used), with a letter of authenticity so that I can sell them on ebay, or perhaps use them myself as a tent for those long, lonely nights camped out in your front garden.

You'd really make my day if you could answer me a few questions:

* Shaven or natural?
* Would you ever consider girl/girl with Sarah Beeny?
* You recently said you lost your virginity to the Gypsy Kings. Which one was the best, and how long was it before you could walk properly?
* My mate Kelvin reckons you wear those huge coats because you've got bingo wings and no fashion sense. I reckon it's to hide the nipple clamps. Please settle this argument!

I hope you like the photos I sent you. It's incredible what you can do with photoshop these days. I'm particularly proud of the one I call "Airtight Kirstie", it reminds me of the Gypsy Kings. How I wish that was me in those pictures, but Boots have warned me about taking photos of my dangly parts.

Will you marry me? You can find me outside your house most days. You have the best rubbish bags of any celebrity I've ever stalked.

Yours lovingly,

Robert Rabbit

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