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Robber Rabbit : The Scaryduck Brain Dump

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Oh Lordy! It's the return of "Hobbies of the rich and Famous"

TV's Carol Smillie talks about the new pastime that's sweeping the nation - Hot Bagging!

"Hellooo! My name's Carol Smillie, and nothing makes me smile more than taking a dump in a Waitrose carrier bag and leaving it in a shop doorway. For a working mum with a busy lifestyle, who's got time to go to the toilet these days?"

Q: So, how did you get into this interesting hobby?
A: It was lovely, lovely Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, who showed me the articstic merit in a well placed "Sac Chaud" during a Changing Rooms shoot in Hastings. They do classes in it at St Martin's apparantly.

Q: Do you have a preferred technique?
A: Not really. Just make sure the coast is clear, drop your knicks and make sure you hit the target. There's nothing worse than missing the bag and crapping your pants instead.

Q: A solitary pursuit then?
A: Good Lord no! If you work in pairs, it's double the fun! One can act as a lookout for the other - they don't call Anna Ryder Richardson and I "The Poosome Twosome" for nothing, you know!

Q: How about pre-packed Hot Bags?
A: You mean deliveries you've made at home and dropped in the street? Have you not heard of the toilet? You fucking weirdo, I've a good mind to call the police on you.

Q: Cough. So, what about bags? There's such a variety to choose from these days.
A: So there is. Waitrose Bags for Life - I swear by them. Nice and roomy, and don't have the airholes they put in regular supermarket bags. You can't imagine the woe an unexpected liquid one can produce. Only 10p as well, and if you're really crafty, you can swap them for a nice clean one when you're done. Laurence swears by Lidl bags - he claims it's "ironic".

Q: How fascinating...
A: The purists go for paper bags you know - I gather it'll be the standard in the Beijing Olympics, where our very own Linda Barker's an early favourite. It also gives you the opportunity to set fire to it and ring the doorbell if you Hot Bag outside Vorderman's house.

Q: Are there any other famous Hot Baggers?
A: Most Baggers are sworn to secrecy, but I gather that Sir Steven Redgrave isn't called the Scourge of Henley for nothing, and young Wayne Rooney's terribly keen with his trademark Burberry Baggies. They'd better watch out in Manchester! It's also pleasing to hear or Princess Anne's patronage, even if she gets a butler to do her bagging for her.

Q: A pretty inclusive group then?
A: Oh yes, but we had to drum Kirstie Allsopp and Sarah Beeny out of the club. Baby oil has no part to play in the sport, the filthy pair of slatterns.

Q: Any chance of a demonstration?
A: I thought you'd never ask. Here, lie under this glass-topped coffee table and hold the camera, there's a chap.

posted by Alistair Coleman at 8:27 AM

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