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Robber Rabbit : The Scaryduck Brain Dump

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Celebrity Murder

The explanation: A rather disturbing, out-of-control thread on a certain discussion forum on the best way to whittle down the B-List. I thought I'd at least make it topical, and finish of the Chav Wedding of the Year in some style:

Katie Price, former adult movie star, model, singer and now world's most famous celebrity housewife slumped back onto the huge, heart-shaped bed after what had been an exhausting, yet exhilirating wedding day, spoiled only by the page boy coming too quickly during a bunk-up behind the marquee.

The troublesome kids well out of the way - she hadn't seen young Harvey for weeks, and he would never, ever see her - she turned to her new husband, the man she loved, TV and pop music's Peter Andre, his face a rictus of botox injections.

"Oh Peter, what a wonderful day!" she exclaimed, "but who were all those people?"

"Mmmmnnnggg! Nnnng!!! E-lssssssst" he managed, and Katie thanked the stars that she'd arranged for a pre-recorded "I do" to be used in the ceremony for that very reason.

She turned to her beau, and embraced him, her rock-hard plastic breasts colliding roughly with his face, and she screamed in horror as Andre's head fell off and clattered to the floor, still mouthing the words "Mnnnga! Nnnnnoggers! Gisterious Girrrrrl!"

Backing away, it became apparant that the man she knew as Peter Andre was no more - the stories were indeed true. Hello! Magazine, unable to get a photographer into the the party had kidnapped the feckless Peter, slaughtered him and replaced him with a state of the art KillBot2000, his perfectly bronzed skin now covering the rough metallic edges of the titanium hitman. And now it was here, in front of her, programmed to destroy.

Eyes focussed only on the Killbot's patent Drill-o-Doom ™ as it pierced her slowly deflating chest, she tried to scream, but couldn't. Just like her pop career, she was all plastic and no voice, and the only warmth left in her cold, hollow shell of a life was the stream of urine running down her legs.

And the last words she heard: "Joooordannnnng! Mnnnga! Mnnnnnnnnnnga! Insaniaaaa!"

posted by Alistair Coleman at 8:23 AM

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