The sickest thing I’ve ever written…is, of course, a version of the infamous
Aristocrats gag. I’m so ashamed* at the foul sewer of filth that spewed from my mind in the writing of this masterwork, and I am certain a special room in Hell awaits me. And the punchline is, perhaps, the worst thing ever.
I didn’t even bother with the standard pre-amble, or even the majority of the sicko ad-lib in the middle. Hold your dinner down, then, for the stunning climax of the world’s worst best-known joke. In fact, it’s so gross, you’ve got to highlight the white space below where it has been cunningly hidden just to see it. Jeez, I need help:
[For those of you too lazy to look up the Wikipedia link, or are unfamiliar with the gag, it's about a family auditioning the sickest stage act in the world for for an agent, and thinks get a tad out of hand...]
...and the father stuffs the severed limbs of his children into the gaping wounds of his wife's abdomen stirring her guts round until the rats flee from her cunt in fear, speckling sprays of blood around the room, as he whacks himself off in time to the music.
"Ta Daaa!" he says as the grimace of the vinegar strokes disappears from his face.
There is the longest silence. At last, the man behind the desk manages to speak.
"Congratulations" says Simon Cowell, you're through to the next round of the X Factor."
I'm so, so sorry.
* not ashamed at all.
