The Duckworth-Lewis method, againAfter much discussion, we publish the April 2006 edition of the Scaryduckworth-Lewis method of rating things. We are, of course, always open to new suggestions.
0. Abi Titmuss
1. Ann Widdecombe giving you the eye
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Clare Short on page three of the Sun
4. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling a flash of her pinkness for a packet of chips
5. Jade Goody delivering the Reith Lecture in the nip, innit
6. An unshaven Tracey Emin, squatting over a canvas, asking for your help with her next 'art' piece
7. The Princess Anne unnamed many-tentacled woe
8. Lorraine Kelly taking advantage of Eamonn Holmes' morning glory with a chirpy "Och, there you go then!"
9. Cherie Blair strap-on action
10. Locked in a cupboard, on a cruise ship, with Charlie Dimmock and her water feature
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for one easy, monthly payment
12. Emma Thomspon on a street corner asking for "business"
13. Katy Hill and Janet Ellis eating a banana suggestively
14. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
15. Charlotte Church on her knees, begging for forgiveness, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand
16. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Kate Winslet keeping her clothes on, mostly
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil