Star Trek: WrongINT: THE BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE D
The turbo lift doors open. Geordi and Reg Barclay stride in, looking elated.
Geordi: We've done it sir!
Picard: Done what?
Geordi: Solved the problem with the toilets, sir!
Picard: How so?
Geordi: Well, you know how it is with these jumpsuits. If you want to done a poo, you've got to strip naked. Especially since the Federation adopted the Sisko Directive that all toilets should be unisex and placed in public areas...
Camera pans across to the space next to the Conn. Deanna Troi is sitting, naked and straining, on a toilet. Ensign Crusher, at the Conn, is rubbing his thighs, Vic Reeves style.
Troi: Christ, this is one monster turd.
Picard: And what is your solution?
Barclay: Well, sir, we've finely calibrated the transporter coils to allow the computer to focus a certain area of the subject's bowel. The poo is literally beamed out of the subject's bottom without them having to go to the toilet!
Picard: Capital! Can we have a demonstration?
Barclay: We have already focussed the transporter on Ensign Crusher's midriff. It is just a matter of executing the program.
Picard: Make it so.
Geordi: Computer! Execute program Andrex0001.
A light forms around Wesley's lower abdomen. A large part of his lower intestine appears on the floor of the bridge. Wesley collapses and dies.
Barclay: Ah. It may require a small amount of adjustment.
Picard: No. No, it's fine as it is. Tell me, can it do anything else?
Geordi: Yes sir. We can also direct matter back into the human body.
Picard: How so?
Geordi: Computer: Execute programme Andrex0002.
A light forms around Troi's upper body. Her breasts are suddenly 50FFF.
Picard: Excellent! Worf! Break out the Andrex. It's time for Space Ssssexxxx!
Troi: I sense.... lust...
