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Robber Rabbit : The Scaryduck Brain Dump

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Coming Soon: I Am Not Mad

A quick look at my forthcoming book "I Am Not Mad", in which I have managed to secure the services of none other than Kim Jong-Il himself for the foreword. Celebrity Forewords don't come much bigger than that.

Celebrity Foreword - Kim Jong-Il

Greetings, fellow workers! As Dear Leader of the towering Juche-inspired powerhouse that is the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, it has befallen upon me to offer a few paragraphs of On-The-Spot guidance to you, the reader of this fine book.

It is therefore my pleasure to thoroughly recommend this tome to the million-man worker-soldier cadres of the great North Korean Fatherland, their chests puffed out like a human bomb, redoubling their efforts for the greater glory of sacred Mount Paektu, singing "Our hearts explode with joy as we reap the harvests sown by Kim Il-Sung!"

The proud workers of this land, fighting to destroy the Southern warmonger lackey clique, and to humiliate the US puppet aggressors and their nefarious schemes, shall all be issued with a copy of this edition, which they will be permitted to read in the ten minutes they are afforded between the end of their shift at the Arirang No.1 Uranium Processing Plant For The Peaceful Use of Energy, and the mandatory rendition of "Let Us Trim Our Hair in Accordance with the Socialist Lifestyle", the highlight of any evening's viewing on Korean Central Television.

This endorsement comes with the approval of Young General and Excellent Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who has assured me of the Juche-inspired, anti-imperialist credentials of his fine website, which made him (and I quote) "LOL until I soiled myself", before returning to supervise important tests at the Mangyongdae Eternal President Kim Il-Sung Memorial No.14 Meat Pie Concern. I heartily endorse the Excellent Comrade's opinion.

It is traditional on these occasions, to offer the reader either a humorous story or some advice gleaned from one's work inspiring the patriotic cadres of the Korean Workers Party to ever larger giant steps towards self-sufficiency, striking fear in the heart of the bestial Yankee aggressors in the eternal fight against the traitor capitalist lackeys, chanting "Let us defend with our lives the everlasting patriotic revolution headed by Great Comrade Kim Jong Il and his son the Excellent Comrade Kim Jong Un!" with tears of joy rolling down their cheeks.

However, I shall do none of these things. Instead, I shall take this opportunity to offer you, dear reader, the chance to own a fine, fully-guaranteed heirloom product in the shape of a 300-foot statue of brave Australian songbird Kylie Minogue, constructed from only the finest North Korean Uranium enrichment by-products at the Arirang No.1 Uranium Processing Plant For The Peaceful Use of Energy (300-foot Kylie Minogue Subdivision). Be the talk of your neighbourhood as you stand between those fine Antipodean legs, proudly holding your certificate of authenticity, personally signed by one of my fine worker-soldier cadres. Only five million US dollars. Cut a dictator a break. I need the cash.

I am not mad.

Kim Jong-Il, People's Revolutionary Military-First Secret Bunker, Castletown, Portland

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