Blogs I have found
: Not safe for work. Not safe for anywhere, come to think of it.
Extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked
her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
Worst joke of the day
Okay, so the Japanese contingent turns up in Iraq, and the commander meets with the other coalition commanders. The American officer goes, "right, we better divide up our responsibilities. We Americans have the largest force over here, so we'll be in charge of the patrols and stuff. You Brits have lots of experience with bombs in Northern Ireland, so you can be in charge of bomb disposal, and you Japanese are a pretty efficient lot so you can be in charge of the supplies"
They all nod away in agreement then go back to their respective camps, after which not hide nor hair is seen of the Japanese forces. The other coalition forces are a bit puzzled but go about their business as usual, patrolling and disposing of bombs.
Anyway, one day there is this major ambush on the US forces, with RPGs and bullets flying around like crazy. The Americans are trapped in a building with all their radio equipment smashed up and the situation is looking grim.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, 100 Japanese armed with samurai swords and naked but for a loincloth appear out of nowhere and ruthlessly cut down all the Iraqi attackers.
Then the Japanese officer turns to the dumbfounded Americans and goes:
I'll get me coat.
The Blacksmith's Song
The blacksmith told me before he died
And I've no reason to believe he lied
No matter how much he tried and tried
His wife was never satisfied.
So he built a bloody great wheel
And harnessed it to a prick of steel
Two balls of brass were filled with cream
And the whole bloody issue was powered by steam.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went the prick of steel
Until at last the maiden cried
"Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!"
Now here comes the crucial bit
There was not way of stopping it
And she was split from arse to tit
And the whole bloody issue was covered in shit.
I have it on good authority that this will be Pop Idol Will Young's next single.
Fox News, that beacon of impartiality aired this
the other day. It's not a hoax.
Nothing like the right to reply
Hutton and all that
The Guardian has asked readers to rewrite history as Lord Hutton might have seen it. Here we go, then:
It is clearly my view that the events depicted in the Bayeux tapestry were utterly without foundation, and presumptions made by the embroiderers were obvious exaggerations of the historical record. Claims that William of Normandy would be able to deploy his archers "within forty-five minutes" are absolute fiction, based on the word of one discredited "arms expert" who was unfortunately laid low in an unfortunate outbreak of plague only last week.
One can only come to the conclusion that there are severe editorial discrepancies at the Bayeux Embroidery Corporation - notably the inaccuracies regarding Harold's oath of fealty to William, of which, following another outbreak of plague, there is no compelling evidence - falsely accusing King Harold and his advisors of exaggerating the threat posed by the Norman regime in order to precipitate war.
God save King Harold. Is there a doctor in the house?