How to get the Sack in 20 Days
Day 1: Use clear tape on the bottom of all the mouses, so they don't work. If they are those snazzy light ones, use a small postage sticker
Day 2: Swap all the keys around, on all the keyboards
Day 3: Swap the mouse/keyboards around, where they are plugged in
Day 4: take screenshots of everyone's desktop, then set the pic as wallpaper, and hide all the icons/task bar.
Day 5: Change the language on all the computers from English to American
Day 6: Make internal prank-phone calls all day
Day 7: Get the client list, sign them all up to the popbitch news letter.
Day 8: Change the auto-correct list on word so that common words like "the" come out as "cockbadger"
Day 9: unscrew the bottom of everyone's chairs.
Day 10: put little holes in all the coffee/water cups
Day 11: superglue a one-pound to the floor, in a really inconvient place (like a walkway, or lift-enterance)
Day 12: Make a porno-picture of the boss... email to everyone in office, print out for the cleaners.
Day 13: eat something like an Omlette for lunch at your desk, put in bag, leave bag in someone else's desk, but hidden away.
Day 14: Get everyone to come out for a pub lunch, get them all considerably drunk.
Day 15: Take out all the mouse-balls, replace with a round boiled sweet.
Day 16: Set off the fire-alarm.
Day 17: Steal all the smoker's lighters.
Day 18: Do nothing at all... paranoia
Day 19: days 1 - 18 replace coffee in office coffee machine with decaff, day 19, switch back to full-caffeine coffee
Day 20: Tell the boss to play along... tell everyone else that you're not really leaving, and it was just a prank.
Dear Miss Allsopp
I am your number one fan, and enjoy your work in "Location Location Location", "Relocation Relocation Relocation" and "Fornication Fornication Fornication".
Can I, if it's not too much trouble, have a signed photo of you to place in my specially-built shrine; and perhaps a lock of your hair so that I may clone dozens of Kirsties who can satisfy my every whim. And if it's not too much to ask, could you also send a pair of your knickers (used), with a letter of authenticity so that I can sell them on ebay, or perhaps use them myself as a tent for those long, lonely nights camped out in your front garden.
You'd really make my day if you could answer me a few questions:
* Shaven or natural?
* Would you ever consider girl/girl with Sarah Beeny?
* You recently said you lost your virginity to the Gypsy Kings
. Which one was the best, and how long was it before you could walk properly?
* My mate Kelvin reckons you wear those huge coats because you've got bingo wings and no fashion sense. I reckon it's to hide the nipple clamps. Please settle this argument!
I hope you like the photos I sent you. It's incredible what you can do with photoshop these days. I'm particularly proud of the one I call "Airtight Kirstie", it reminds me of the Gypsy Kings. How I wish that was me in those pictures, but Boots have warned me about taking photos of my dangly parts.
Will you marry me? You can find me outside your house most days. You have the best rubbish bags of any celebrity I've ever stalked.
Football Predictions 2004/5
Yeah, yeah, this will be everywhere by now, but short on both laughs and content, it's going in.
Fergie starts his psychological games early, claiming the title is now Chelsea’s to lose. In mid August.
Norwich will be top by the end of August. A grinning Ray Stubbs will ask the Norwich MD, “What are you putting in the pies Delia?”
Norwich will be rooted to the bottom by October. It turns out, Delia was putting horse tranquiliser in the pies.
BBC producers decide to liven up Match of the Day by bringing back ITV’s Tactics Truck. Driven by WBA’s Lee Hughes.
A Premiership manager will be sacked during September. The chairman will make it known he wants to talk to Martin O’Neill about the vacant position.
But what he won’t tell the fans is he just wants to ask O’Neill for John Gregory or George Graham’s phone number.
A Londoner names his baby son after the entire Crystal Palace team. ‘Relegation Fodder Thomson’ faces a life of misery.
Garth Crooks finally finishes one of his questions from the Euro 2004 press conference.
Mark Viduka scores on his Boro debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he “loves this club.”
Two weeks into the season, Harry Redknapp claims, “We’re down to the bare bones.”
Arsene Wenger doesn’t see any of the 48 red card incidents his players are involved in. Including Patrick Vieira’s drive-by shooting of Harry Kewell.
But he spots the ‘funny look’ Roy Keane gave Freddie Ljunberg and lodges an official complaint to the FA.
Newcastle are involved in a new roasting scandal. But Kieran Dyer claims he was nowhere near the canteen when the potatoes weren’t properly basted.
Crystal Palace win a £10 million sponsorship deal as Iain Dowie becomes the new face of Laboratorie Garnier
After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka claims his family are unsettled in Teeside.
Des Lynam is forced to try and look happy presenting ‘You’ve Been Framed’.
Wayne Rooney is pictured throwing a wobbly in Dixons, prompting the headline, ‘It’s Wayne Looney!’
Mark Viduka issues, not so much a ‘come and get me’ plea, more a ‘get me out of this sh*thole’ request.
David James is spotted wearing the puzzled expression of a dog trying to work out how to use a laptop as the ball nestles in the net behind him.
Wayne Rooney is pictured baring his arse at Liverpool fans, prompting the headline, “It’s Wayne Mooney!”
Steve McClaren finally finishes that book he’s been seen writing during every Middlesboro match.
Ruud van Nistlerooy suffers a foot injury and is forced to be re-shod.
Wayne Rooney is pictured attempting to DJ in a nightclub, prompting the headline, “It’s Wayne Spooney!”
Peter Schmeichel finally manages to finish a sentence.
On loan to Bolton, Mark Viduka scores on his debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he “loves this club.”
Roman Abramovich continues to bid for anything that’s Italian and pacey. Forcing Thierry Henry to accept a £4million bid for his wife’s knackered Fiat Punto.
After manager Santini is sacked, Spurs appoint yet another experienced caretaker until the end of the season. Hong Kong Phooey.
The incident the tabloids have waited for. A Geordie psycho attacks Wayne Rooney with an item of cutlery, prompting the headline, “Toon Loon in Roon Spoon Fume!”
After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka goes AWOL from Bolton.
Having seen neighbour’s Chelsea’s bank balance, Fulham launch a new away strip - ‘green with envy’.
Nicolas Anelka misses two games because of a troublesome calf. It refuses to leave his hotel room in the morning.
Despite a 10 match losing streak, West Brom are tipped to stay in the Premiership for three more seasons. Autumn, Winter and Spring.
Roman Abramovich starts to collect players like they were Panini stickers. Offering Arsenal “two Joe Coles” for Patrick Vieira.
Mark Viduka claims the alternator on his club BMW is a bit dicky and he may be forced to move clubs to get it fixed.
Southampton are the latest club to be hit by a sex scandal. Striker Brett Omerod is accused of a one in a bed romp.
At the Liverpool Christmas party, Phil Thompson arrives dressed as a pumpkin. But come midnight he still hasn't turned into a coach.
CCTV footage captures Roy Keane ringing an old lady’s doorbell then running away. An FA spokesman said, “This is just the sort of behaviour schoolkids are likely to copy.”
Southampton are without beanpole striker Peter Crouch for two months after the lanky streak of piss strikes a low bridge.
Crystal Palace copy the Greek defensive system, appointing ex City coach Willie Donachie and Phil Babb just so they can boast a Donachie Babb combination.
A shocking off the field incident cuts short Robbie Savage’s career in top flight football. He’s transferred to Charlton.
Before the Manchester derby, Rio Ferdinand refuses a cortisone injection, claiming that he’s had enough of Italian motors.
Blackburn manager Graeme Souness claims he’s happy with the four draws his club got over the Xmas period. They’re from Ikea and fit snugly under his desk.
Newcastle’s plan to launch a stamp with Lee Bowyer’s head on the front was axed when officials feared people would spit on the wrong side.
Gerard Houllier admits to being involved in transfer fraud. “It’s true,” said Houllier, “”I did get Birmingham to pay £6million for Emile Heskey.”
The mystery of the huge crop circles discovered at Fratton Park is solved when they were found to match the exact turning circle of David Unsworth.
WBA look set to land their first big name foreign signing. They close in on Arabian striker Prince Faizal Mohammed bin Maktoum al Shamir bin Sayeed.
Les Ferdinand falls out with the Bolton groundsman after his lack of pace causes him to leave a glistening slug-like trail across the pitch.
Liverpool’s new Frenchman Djibel Cisse is forced to give up his hobby of pheasant shooting after complaining that the game over here moves too fast for him.
Fulham propose to change their club badge to a 3-pin electric plug. The club said it would more accurately represent the electric atmosphere at Craven Cottage.
Pompey keeper Shaka Hislop installs an answerphone on his six yard line with the message, “Sorry I’m not in but leave the ball in the back of the net and I’ll get back to you.”
On Breakfast with Frost, Arsene Wenger is asked what he thinks of De Gaulle? “It was definitely offside,” replies Wenger.
Gay fans vote Steve Bruce as the Premiership’s sexiest manager. Nobody tells Steve it’s because he’s got a face like an arse.
WBA revealed that their attendance figures have exactly doubled. Things are expected to return to normal as soon as Gary Megson’s touchline ban is over.
Man United launch a fifth away kit made entirely of Velcro. It’s called ‘the rip-off’.
Sir Bobby Robson finally turns into Ron Manager, answering Garth Crooks, “Offside? Wasn’t it? Isn’t it? Pundits for goalposts. Ooh marvellous.”
More bad news for Rio Ferdinand as thieves steal his prized collection of books. Worse, he hadn’t even finished colouring half of them.
Everton supremo and theatrical luvvie Bill Kenwright finally manages to give an interview without looking like he’s about to burst into tears.
After Gadafy fails to buy Palace, another feared and bearded mad dictator tries to buy Arsenal. Luckily the Gunners turn down Ken Bates’ offer.
Bin Laden attempts to get his hands on a weapon of mass destruction. But United inform him Roy Keane is not for sale.
Barry Davies quotes Shakespeare or Chaucer during at least one particularly gritty encounter.
After Bolton scrape three away draws, Sam Allardyce is touted as the next England manager.
Cash strapped Everton are forced into a player clearout with a ‘Buy one, get Duncan Ferguson free’ offer.
Man United’s Alan Smith is offered a box for life at Leeds. But turns it down because he doesn’t like the handles.
It’s revealed that Graeme Souness and Mark Lawrenson’s missing moustaches have set up a love nest in Liverpool and are trying for a beard.
After being advised to try computer dating, Rio Ferdinand is spotted in Chinawhite with a shapely Apple Mac.
Graham Poll is caught licking his own reflection in his dressing room mirror.
The opposition are awarded a penalty at Old Trafford. No, hang on. That really is a bit far fetched.
That Kirstie Allsopp came up to me in the street the other day. All furtive like, make-up smeared across her face like it was applied by a bricklayer, Aquascutum twin-set dragged through a hedge backwards. A nervous glance to check we weren't being watched and she let me have it.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Lookin' for business love? Semi-detatched? Nice maisonette? Very classy. I'm not an estate agent, you know."
It was all I could do to bring myself to reply: "You filthy slattern."
"Nice four bedroom fixer-upper, plenty up top if you know what I mean," the trollop continued.
"Get away from me, you disgusting tart," I gasped, the anger boiling inside me.
"Much sought-after location..."
"Oh," she said, crestfallen. I don't suppose a quick shag's out of the question then?"
Sickening, these celebrities. Besides, Sarah Beeny was just down the road, and you should have seen the scaffolding.