How to get the Sack in 20 Days
by
Gonzo
Day 1: Use clear tape on the bottom of all the mouses, so they don't work. If they are those snazzy light ones, use a small postage sticker
Day 2: Swap all the keys around, on all the keyboards
Day 3: Swap the mouse/keyboards around, where they are plugged in
Day 4: take screenshots of everyone's desktop, then set the pic as wallpaper, and hide all the icons/task bar.
Day 5: Change the language on all the computers from English to American
Day 6: Make internal prank-phone calls all day
Day 7: Get the client list, sign them all up to the popbitch news letter.
Day 8: Change the auto-correct list on word so that common words like "the" come out as "cockbadger"
Day 9: unscrew the bottom of everyone's chairs.
Day 10: put little holes in all the coffee/water cups
Day 11: superglue a one-pound to the floor, in a really inconvient place (like a walkway, or lift-enterance)
Day 12: Make a porno-picture of the boss... email to everyone in office, print out for the cleaners.
Day 13: eat something like an Omlette for lunch at your desk, put in bag, leave bag in someone else's desk, but hidden away.
Day 14: Get everyone to come out for a pub lunch, get them all considerably drunk.
Day 15: Take out all the mouse-balls, replace with a round boiled sweet.
Day 16: Set off the fire-alarm.
Day 17: Steal all the smoker's lighters.
Day 18: Do nothing at all... paranoia
Day 19: days 1 - 18 replace coffee in office coffee machine with decaff, day 19, switch back to full-caffeine coffee
Day 20: Tell the boss to play along... tell everyone else that you're not really leaving, and it was just a prank.
Fan mail
Dear Miss Allsopp
I am your number one fan, and enjoy your work in "Location Location Location", "Relocation Relocation Relocation" and "Fornication Fornication Fornication".
Can I, if it's not too much trouble, have a signed photo of you to place in my specially-built shrine; and perhaps a lock of your hair so that I may clone dozens of Kirsties who can satisfy my every whim. And if it's not too much to ask, could you also send a pair of your knickers (used), with a letter of authenticity so that I can sell them on ebay, or perhaps use them myself as a tent for those long, lonely nights camped out in your front garden.
You'd really make my day if you could answer me a few questions:
* Shaven or natural?
* Would you ever consider girl/girl with Sarah Beeny?
* You recently said you
lost your virginity to the Gypsy Kings. Which one was the best, and how long was it before you could walk properly?
* My mate Kelvin reckons you wear those huge coats because you've got bingo wings and no fashion sense. I reckon it's to hide the nipple clamps. Please settle this argument!
I hope you like the photos I sent you. It's incredible what you can do with photoshop these days. I'm particularly proud of the one I call "Airtight Kirstie", it reminds me of the Gypsy Kings. How I wish that was me in those pictures, but Boots have warned me about taking photos of my dangly parts.
Will you marry me? You can find me outside your house most days. You have the best rubbish bags of any celebrity I've ever stalked.
Yours lovingly,
Robert Rabbit
