A problem shared is a problem openly ridiculed
Dear Dr Scary
Last Night I dreamed I was in a medievel joust armed only with a Twix bar and Sarah Beeny's lead-lined brassiere and false teeth. What does this mean? Should I confess my weasel-greasing fetish to my business associates?
Confused of South Kensington.
My adivce in cases such as this is normally "You really should get out more". In your instance, however, I shall make an exception. You are a clear danger to shipping, and the world will be a far safer placewith the likes of you behind bars. I'd turn yourself in now if I were you and pray that you get a lenient judge. I'm sure they can find a new presenter for "Location Location Location" while you're beating of butch lesbian guards in Holloway, you filthy slattern.
Dr S Duck, BSc.
Dear Mr Rabbit,
I represent the law firm Sue, Grabbit and Runne, and am writing at the direction of our client Miss Kirstie Allsopp in response to a number of groundless allegations made against her person in an article entitled "Hobbies of the Rich and Famous."
1. Miss Allsopp does not, and never will whilst it remains illegal, indulge in the craven act of greasing her - or any other person's - weasel.
2. She strongly refutes the allegation that she has ever been a) lightly oiled and b) an estate agent.
3. Miss Allsopp takes issue with a number of statements presented in your article as fact. Namely: that the word "cockbadger" forms part of her vocabulary and that her best friend is a "twelve inch monster Kong vibrator with variable speed control and interchangable heads."
All of these allegations - either singly or collectively are of little import to our client. However, she has instructed me to "sue your arse off", to use the correct legal terminology, over the final and most damaging libel, the insinuation that the luscious, pouting Miss Allsopp has "Bingo Wings".
Note that we will be seeking enormous punative damages, whilst I shall also be seeking photographs of Miss Allsopp in a wet t-shirt and thigh-length boots.
Robber Rabbit says:
Fuck off. She's mine - I saw her first.
Hobbies of the Poor and Infamous
Unfortunately, this week's interviewee won't be released from prison until the end of the week (and the Prison Service, compassionate as ever, will be giving her a hundred metre head-start from the baying hate mob that will undoubtedly pursue her). This means our exclusive article on the Maxine Carr Diet will have to be held over for a while. If the wonky-mouthed chavster lives that long.
On the other hand, I wonder if she's considered a role in a popular soap opera? After all she's made a damn fine career in acting badly, and she can't be any worse than Patsy Kensit, whose career has hit the skids with her new role in Emmerdale. Let's face it, the public has trouble separating reality from fiction, so Ms Carr will fit in with no problems at all.
Hobbies of the rich and famous
This week, TV's luscious, pouting celebrity estate agent Kirstie Allsopp answers your questions on society's last taboo - the foul act of greasing your weasel.
"Hi there! You may recognise me as the sensible no-nonsense co-host of Channel Four's "Location Location Location" and ...umm... "Relocation Relocation Relocation". If you need an incredibly over-dressed, bunny-boiling sloane ranger with terrifying bingo wings to help you move house, whilst keeping her virginity securely locked away in the vault of an exclusive Knightbridge bank, then I am your lady.
But you know, even we celebrity property consultants need down time too, and there's nothing more relaxing for a boarding school girl than to spend a couple of hours of an evening greasing her weasel in the privacy of her own Chelsea pied-a-terre.
Q: You don't mean...?
A: Oh yes! After a hard day's showing clients the potential of their properties, there's nothing better than slipping out of all sixteen layers of designer clothing and into my best weasel-greasing outfit.
Q: You filthy strumpet - what if the authorities find out?
A: I simply don't care. Weasel-greasing is perfectly harmless, and as long as you keep a firm grip on your greasing tools, it is entirely safe, and can actually add as much as ten thousand pounds to the value of your home.
Q: I was just getting to the tools of the trade. What batteries does it take?
A: Six "C" type. I prefer rechargables as they're better value for your outlay. Other hobbyists prefer a mains adaptor, but I find that this can actually make you far less mobile if you find yourself thrashing about on your living room carpet with a freshly-greased weasel.
Q: Enduring mental image there, Kirstie. But I hear it's not just weasels you specialise in.
A: Good grief no! Variety is the spice of life, as they say, and this girl isn't afraid of experimenting with otters, voles, stoats and even squirrels. It's amazing how satisfying a well-lubricated squirrel can be. I'm banned from Whipsnade Zoo, you know.
Q: Is weasel-greasing a solitary pursuit, or can more than one play?
A: Weasel-greasing, by its very nature, is usually carried out alone. Every now and then, I invite a lighly-oiled Sarah Beeny for tea and greasing, and we spend a highly satisfying evening of mutual otter lubrication. I can show you some photos if you like.
Q: And how about a quick peek at your beaver while we're at it, darlin'?
A: You filthy cockbadger.